Am i?And if so, what do i do?
Hi!
Throughout my life i considered that i was seeing things completely differently than other people. I'm a musician and an artist and i thought this was the reason why i was seeing life the way i did and still do.
2 years ago i experienced anorexia. And last year i was into self harming. I was feeling vacant and helpless. I found myself talking to no one when i was alone in the room. I still do that. I'm talking to an imaginary talker knowing that he's not there and of course not seeing or hearing him. I'm not hallucinating and i don't hear voices. Its just a pass time activity. There are days that i feel great anger and i'm very harsh with people around me. I don't break stuff or act dangerously but i have this weird burden on my chest and i need to let my anger out! There are also many days that i'm waking up too happy, with positive thoughts and a great mood! i see small pleasures all around me, coincidences that make life so beautiful,i feel lucky and unique and so optimistic about life!i get too excited with really unimportant and tiny things like a new pen or a new notebook. there are days that i suddenly have a huge wave of inspiration inside me and i'm writing songs in a matter of minutes!I also act and speak really impulsively.I always move some part of my body and i can't stand completely still. there also a matter of sleep.. today i slept 17 hours and i was completely incapable of doing anything.i was too tired even to speak. last week i was sleeping 4 hours a day but waking up i felt unbelievably refreshed and full of energy!
2 months ago i met a psychiatrist. I still live with my parents and having a really bad relatioship and fights all the time i don't want them to know. So i had money for only 2 meetings with him. In the first one he asked me about my history, if any one in my family has a mental disease,my emotional experiences, my dreams, my goals, my past.. After that he gave me a huge question test. I answered and then left. In the second meeting he said that i should have my brain ''pictured'' but i didn't coz i didn't have enough money. He said that i'm probably hypomanic but he's not sure wether i'm bipolar or cyclothymic or depressed. He strongly suggested that i go back again coz it may take many meetings till i finally find out exactly what it is..
I'm coping with it though..I don't take any medication or mood stabilizers and even though my mood swings can be really harsh and sudden my life goes on as it did.
There's no way i'm telling my parents coz they'll probably freak out even more with me. They must hate me for all these harsh words i've told them.i become mean just in a matter of seconds and i can't control my anger.
I have no money at the moment and i'll probably not be working until this summer.
What do i do now?
Do you think i am bipolar?
I'm sorry for my english, i'm Greek :)
Have a positive day!
D.K.
Comments
See Another Doctor
Taking pleasure iin the little things in life is not a problem, the situation with your parents and your past history of self harming and depression concerns me more. if you are not happy with your past experience with a doctor, try to find another one- some doctors are much better than others.
As for mania, if you are in a level state of hypo-mania, you might be able to function. Again, I recommend seeing a doctor. Also, there are a lot of groups on Facebook dedicated to Bipolar Disorder and the people are very helpful.
Good luck and I hope you are ok.
Thank you very much for your
Thank you very much for your comment!
Unfortunately i'm not employed and i can't afford to see another doctor.
There's only one person that knows about my situation and supports me in a great level. But he lives miles away and the only way to contact him is via internet or phone. most of my friendships were ruined coz i always had a huge break out or because my 'friends' considered me as weirdo and too emotional and ''in my own world''. there are very few people that accept me the way i am but i can't tell them about my situation coz they'll probably not take me seriously.
There was one time that really shocked me.. i was with friends and we were having great fun!! and while i was laughing my ass off, i felt helpless and depressed all of a sudden and i was crying and laughing simultaneously. i freaked the hell out of them!!! i felt really embarrassed after this incident and didn't know how to explain myself..
Are there any ways i can help myself when i'm having these strange episodes? i REALLY can't see a doctor, not until august when i'll probably have the money to do it. and i REALLY can't tell my parents coz they're already too worried about me.. my mom calls my aunt all the time and tells her that she's afraid of my temper and my breaks out. she was seeing a psychologist when i was 14 coz she didn't know how to handle my mood. i'm really harsh with her most of the time without any important reason. sometimes without reason at all. so how could i ever tell her? and our financial are really messed up.. they already pay too much and they can't afford a doctor for me. i'd be embarrassed even to ask their help.
is there any way i can help myself when having these episodes? i really don't like messing anyone else's life.
Cheers!!
Danae
Advice
There are many ways or "tricks" to dealing with any situation. When it comes to emotional or disorder problems, I feel, activities are key. I.E. use positive activities when one is in a depressive/negitive mood.
Also, self awareness is a VERY usefull tool in dealing with this kind of thing. Knowing if you are having an episode of anything will give you an advantage in the sence that you can do something about it.
I deffinatly recomend NOT going down the road of using substances like alcohol or street drugs to relieve pain as they are dead ends to accually living a stable life. I have heard Faith in a religion can sort ones mind into a state of mind which lifts ones attitude towards life and gives them hope.
In my case, I am bipolar with schitzoaffective dissorder. I am on a plethra of meds. I am seeing a very quality dr. and am very stable. Though I don't know the full extent of your situation... I would say attitude has 50% of how you could feel. Being hopefull and positive about looking foward to something helps emensly.
I hope you find what you need. Happy living.
Richard Evans (facebook if you want more advice. look in the bipolar groups)