Do you ever feel scared that you are too happy?

I do. For years, every time I would meet new people, have a great time at a party, or feel extra-ordinarily happy, I would worry about going manic because that’s how mania usually starts for me.

The first time I went manic, I was 22 years old and hadn’t been yet diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Over the course of a few days, I went from being incredibly happy and much more productive- which I now know was the hypo-manic stage- and then I quickly became psychotic to the point where I needed to be hospitalized for my own safety.  (The Ren and Stimpy episode I watched immediately before a sleepless night did not help me.) I felt so great (and apparently acted this way) right before I went overboard that someone asked me at a dance club if I was on ecstasy because my smile was so big. It didn’t cross my mind at all that I could be Bipolar and I kept on partying, thinking that the person was just trying to hit on my friend and me.

Right before another manic episode, I discovered my new passion for the bongo drums and I wasn’t so great at them- let’s just say that Manu Chao would not have been all that impressed- unfortunately, I didn’t discover a special skill for the drums despite my enormous love for them, and my rhythm was more than a little off. The guitarists playing with me complained and soon after, I was taken to the doctor for an emergency visit.

By that time, everyone around me knew my history and knew me well enough to understand the difference between the usual me and the manic me. Unfortunately, when I’m too far in the throes of mania, I can’t tell the difference, especially at the beginning of a manic episode. I’m more likely to assume to that everyone else around me is crazy and that I’m the sane one. Like Knipfel, I think there may be some truth to this. Unfortunately, however much this may be true, that doesn’t mean that I can take care of myself or others during my intense spouts of mania.

I also worry when I can’t sleep. Any time I’m tossing and turning, I think that I will probably end up going manic again, which makes me toss and turn all that much more. I start to think about my Bipolar Disorder and whenever I have strange dreams, I wake up disoriented and instantly assume that I am going manic which doesn’t help me sleep. I try and plan out how I will go the hospital and stress about the possible months of recovery that I’ll have to endure.

Does anyone else have this kind of experience?

Pic from flckr