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Depression is definitely the most dangerous part of having Bipolar Disorder. Dealing with suicidal thoughts when you feel like you have nothing to live for is no laughing matter, but it is also hard to deal with life when you feel like you are not quite like yourself inside. Even though you feel like it is not really you, you are responsible for what you do on the outside. There are times when I want to end all of my relationships because I feel better in my own private world, away from what most people like to call reality. Often, I am just searching and fighting for my lost sense of self inside.
Today, I had the double-whammy of PMS and the absolute thrill of getting over an illness. My friends started making not-so-clever jokes about my lack of exercise, apparently not understanding my new-found commitment to getting myself in better shape. I snapped and huffed off, angry because I felt like they did not believe in me.
Last night, I was "lectured" about new-fangled health treatments that were supposed to cure me in a seminar in three days. Last summer, I was under the distinct impression that a family member I deeply respect was trying to convert me into a different religion. I don't believe in any miracle cures or that I will be magically "saved". Some days you feel better, and some days you feel like shit, but if you focus on the things that make you feel joy inside, it will help keep you alive.
The hardest thing to do is to fight for yourself from the inside, to remember who you really are, what you really stand for, and not to let anybody else ever tell you that you are not good enough, or that you are lazy.
Trust me, if half the people had the metaphorical "crosses" to bear of a Bipolar patient for one year, there would be not only more empathy for the sufferers of Bipolar Disorder, there would be a "Pride Parade" for the mentally ill.
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