Having Bipolar Disorder definitely has its moments; my most embarrassing moments outside of a manic episode tend to be fairly tame and those from my manic episodes are not quite as tame. When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I, I was eager to share my crazy adventures with nearly everyone I met and was christened by friends of friends as “The Goddess of Love” for my new tale of how I was going to “spread love to the world.”
I traveled, but I don’t know that I ever quite “spread my love to the world” and lost my crown as “The Goddess of Love” through inaction on my part. This was actually a good thing given the strange ideas I had about how to spread my love, which might not have been popular in the Asian countries where I spent much of my time. (And, no, I wasn’t thinking of bringing back the free-love era of the 60’s.)
The later manic episodes that I had weren’t quite as comical as the first; I don’t talk about them much because of the embarrassing feelings that get conjured up and because they involved other people and I want to keep my stories and feelings more private.
I haven’t even talked about my first manic episode in a few years. I talk about parts of it, but I never know how people are going to take my outlandish story that is 100% true. I’ll talk about it again when the time is right because it IS kind of funny, but I know much more of the heartache that Bipolar Disorder can bring now and want people to understand that Bipolar Disorder can be extremely serious.
Not every manic episode is as fun taking taking XTC—something I’ve never done—and mixed episodes and depression can mess with a person’s mind for quite some time. The right medication or combination of medication can make all the difference in the world in reaching stability and its important to remember to hang on when things get tough.
I know that it’s easier said than done because I’ve been there, but since I’ve been there, I know I can get through the tough times again if I have to. There are times I wish people understood just a small bit of what I was going through, but I know that the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder are almost impossible to imagine to someone whose emotions are more in check.