After 12 yrs of dealing with BP, I've finally come to terms with the power of BiPolar Disorder. I'd been in denial for a good part of those years, not wanting to let go. Trying to control it. Own it. Make it work. My on again off again love affair w/ drugs and alcohol led me down a path of destruction that was totally avoidable. Yes, I was 'misunderstood', constantly searching for "The Why". I would ride the highs and fightkickscratch through the severe lows. Once the sun peaked through my black cloud of depression, I always allow amnexia to set in. "That wasn't that bad". And off I went. Back to my old ways. I loved when my brain would 'burn'. When I could put a pen to my journal and sizzle. Whether it be a movie premise, business idea, conceptualizing an event or designing a space. Optimistic. Eager to test my limits. Trial and much error. The rage to master.
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, but not always by much. My last hospitalization was five years ago and I not only met a Nurse Ratched, I felt like Jack Nicholson’s character trying to get free.
I was in for a manic episode, but had calmed down significantly by the time I was committed to the hospital. Though I hadn’t slept in more than 34 hours, and basically wanted to go to the hospital as a place to sleep, my “intake” took, four long, gruelling hours. Any mania that I may have had still lingering had dissipated into a state of wariness and a longing for bed.
Being bipolar is not always as fun as people think it is. While you do get the occasional romp of freedom, or the chance to spend your money outrageously, the consequences are always there to face you when you get back to your normal every day self. And, when you're in a depressed state, it's the absolute worst. There's absolutely no worse feeling than being stuck in your pajamas, unable to think clearly or motivate yourself because you are so loaded down with meds that it's impossible to deal with the "real world" in more than small doses.
I have, however, somehow managed to find a few silver linings in the clouds. OK, it's definitely not as easy in the cold, dark rainy days of a Seattle winter, but hopefully I"ll remember my positive thoughts should my thoughts turn dark again.